Family Fun
by WritingFromTheSoul
Summary: Ziva, Tony, and their daughter talk about certain...things. Funny family fluff! Co-written by Melanie SmellyThePirate one crazy night. Please, read and review!


**A/N: Me and my awesome friend, constant reader/reviewer, and great author Melanie wrote this the other night. Enjoy some hilarious family fluff!**

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**Tony: **"Ziva, where is Sarah?"

**Ziva: ** "I don't know, Tony. I thought you had her. You said you were going to the park with her."

**Tony: ** "Umm, no. She asked if she could go downstairs to play with your knives. She said she had your permission."

**Ziva: ** "She never asked me anything... Last I saw she was with you."

**Tony: ** "Oh. OH SHIT."

**Ziva: ** "OH, GOD. Should we call Gibbs?"

**Tony: ** "NO! He'll just get all 'You lost the fucking kid?' and it'll get all...BAD."

**Ziva: ** "But he could help us! He had a daughter, he might be able to help us...Oh, God, Tony, what do we do?"

**Tony: ** "Calm down. Here's what I think happened: I was reading the movie reviews in the paper and heard her say something about the park...so we check there?"

**Ziva: **"Okay, okay. That's good. I'll drive."

**Tony: ** "NO! HELL NO! I mean, Zi, you're a good driver and all, but..."

**Ziva: ** "Do you wanna fucking get there on time or not?"

**Tony: ** "Yeah, but I don't want to get killed while trying to find our daughter!"

**Ziva: ** "We're still alive, Tony! If you drive, Lord knows our little girl can be in fucking China by then!"

**Tony: ** "China? It's not like we taught her to drive! Unless _you_ did! Then TWO insane people in this damn family drive like road nuts!"

**Ziva: ** "You know WHAT! I'm driving and that's that! And if we keep arguing, we'll never freaking find her!" ***grabs keys*** "Let's go!"

***In Car***

**Tony: **"Zi, you almost KILLED that guy!"

**Melanie: ** "For the love of God, I didn't kill anyone! Or almost kill! Whatever!"

**Tony: ** "Jeez, when we find her, I would like to greet her as a normal person, not a MURDERER!"

**Ziva: ** "The only person on the verge of dying here is YOU if you don't shut the fuck up already and stop criticizing everything!"

**Tony: ** ***kisses on mouth***

**Ziva: ** ***hits brakes suddenly***

**Tony: **There. Make up for it?

**Ziva: **"You almost killed us and you're not even driving…"

**Tony: ** ***sticks head out window*** "Yeah, well fuck you too, buddy! Why don't you take that middle finger and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS? Sorry, Zi."

**Ziva: ** "Okay, I can see the park from here. We're almost there..."

***parks in parking lot***

**Tony: ** "Don't run over any children."

**Ziva: ** "Shut up. Let's look for Sarah."

**Tony: ** "Okay. SARAH BEAR!"

**Ziva: ** ***runs around looking for her***

***after a few minutes, yelling:** DID YOU FIND HER YET, TONY?

**Tony: ** "Yes!"

**Sarah: **"LET GO OF ME, PEDO!"

**Tony: **"Whoops. Sorry, sweetheart."

**Ziva: ** "Oh, thank God!"

***hugs Sarah***

"How the hell did she even get here by herself?"

**Sarah: ** "Oh. Hi, mommy. I walked. And may have...borrowed...the neighbor's motorbike..."

**Ziva: ** ***grabs her by ear*** "If you EVER do anything like that ever again, you are dead beat!"

**Tony: ** "Meat, honey. It's meat."

**Sarah: **"Aww, mom, come on! Dad, help me out here!"

**Tony: **"Sorry, sweetie. I'm afraid of your mother."

**Ziva:** "You are grounded, young lady."

**Sarah: ** "All right, what's the sentence? Please don't say no knife practice! I just got good at the ten-inch!"

**Ziva: ** "Sarah, I wasn't kidding when I said that when you're grounded, you're not allowed to do anything fun. Therefore, no knife throwing for a week."

**Sarah: ** "All right, mom. But...there's one thing I should probably tell you..."

**Ziva:** "...What...?"

**Sarah: ** "Umm...you know how I told you I borrowed the neighbor's motorbike...?"

**Ziva: ** "Oh, no...What?"

**Sarah: ** "Well...I may or may not have, umm...dented it a LITTLE..."

**Tony: **"Okay, kiddo, you're like me: you understate. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"

**Ziva: ** "Okay, I am not dealing with this! Tony, YOU are dealing with this!"

**Tony: ** "WHAT? WHY?"

**Ziva: ** "Because she's your daughter! I already drove here!"

**Tony**: "Yeah, and almost KILLED a few people in the process!"

**Ziva:** "I don't think you want me to show McGee those pictures of you kissing that man you thought was a woman..."

**Tony: **"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE PICS?"

**Sarah: **"Daddy swore!"

**Ziva: ** "I have my ways, Tony...Sarah, I better not catch you saying any bad words..."

**Sarah: ** "Okay, mom."

**Tony: *staring at bike* **"Jeez, Sar, you drive like your mother."

**Ziva: ** "You know what, we'll talk about this at home. We're going home now."

**Tony: ** "Jeez, Sarah, what the hell did you do, ride through a stampede? I've seen bodies after explosions that were less beat up than this..."

**Sarah:**"I was racing a car, daddy."

**Ziva: **"YOU WERE RACING? ON A MOTORBIKE."

**Sarah:** "Mom, I'm sorry! But those boys over there seemed like they were fun, so I thought I'd give it a try."

**Tony: ** "YOU JUST THOUGH YOU'D TRY? You crazy-ass little kid."

**Sarah: ** "What's the big deal? You and Dad have some 'fun' all the time!"

**Tony: *****looks at Ziva*** "That's grown up fun, sweetie."

**Sarah: ** "But it's weird, Dad. Why do you have to be so loud, anyway? Can't you be quiet for once? Like they ask us to be quiet in school?"

**Tony: *leans toward Ziva* ** "Holy shit, Zi. She knows. SHE KNOWS."

**Ziva: ** "Play it cool, DiNozzo."

**Tony: ** "How? A little kid just asked me to tune it down during sex! SHE'S EIGHT!"

**Sarah: **"It's gross, Daddy."

**Tony: **"Yeah, well, it better stay that way, honey. For a while."

**Ziva: ** "Umm... sweetie. I know you think that the way Mommy and Daddy have fun is weird, but... You know what? Mommy and Daddy are never going to have fun again."

**Tony: ** "No, ZIVA. NO. PLEASE."

**Ziva: ** "Right, Daddy?" ***looks at Tony***

**Tony:** "But...but Tony LIKE having fun."

**Ziva: *quietly*** "We can fun when she's not around..."

**Tony: ** ***eyes widen in understanding*** "Oh. Okay. Yeah, Sarah, Mommy Daddy promise not to have 'fun' if you promise not to have 'fun', okay?"

**Sarah:** "Mom, Dad... what's sex?"

**Tony:** ***buries face in hands*** "Zi, you tell her. I can't."

**Ziva: ** "What's wrong, Daddy? I heard you say it a while ago."

**Tony: ** "WHEN?"

**Sarah: ** "You said, 'a little kid just asked me to tune it down during sex!'"

**Tony: ** ***gets headslap*** "Yeah, uhhhh..."

**Ziva: ** "Sarah, sweetie... it's not important. Never bring it up again. Ever."

**Tony: ** "But...i heard Daddy say once it was so much fun."

**Ziva: ** "Daddy will give you thirty bucks to never mention that word again."

**Tony: ** "Daddy will do what?"

**Ziva: ** "You heard me."

**Tony: ** "But Daddy isn't totally guilty. Mommy will tell you what sex is, sweetie, if you never bring it up ever again."

**Sarah:**"Yeah, Mommy, tell me!"

**Ziva: ** "Okay, honey. I'll tell you about sex... and then we never speak of this again. Understood?"

**Sarah:** "Yes, Mommy. Wait, should we leave the park?"

**Ziva: ** "No. I'll tell you real quick."

**Sarah: ** "Okay." ***leans in closer***

**Ziva:** "Sex is when a man and woman love each other and decide they want to have kids... and they go to bed and pray to God to give them a baby. Sometimes, they have to pray for a really long time."

**Tony**: ***tony leans in*** "Smooth, David. Very smooth."

**Sarah: **"Well, then, Mommy, why was it so noisy? That doesn't sound like words. More like 'AAGH' and 'OH, FUCK ME HARDER, TONY!'"

**Tony: *blushes*** "I remember that."

**Ziva: ** "Well, sweetheart. Sometimes we have to speak in other languages or very loudly so that we can...umm...Decide on what we want..."

**Sarah: ** "Okay. Then why is there so much...moving. I can hear the bed moving from my room mom. ACROSS THE HOUSE."

**Ziva: ** "Sometimes, God likes for us to use code words. Sometimes, God likes for us to switch positions and pray in different ways."

**Tony: ** ***tony leans in*** "Hey, Zi, you wanna _pray_ a little when we get back?"

**Sarah:**"Yeah, Mommy and Daddy can I be part of the prayer, too!"

**Ziva:**"NO!"

**Tony: ** "NO!"

**Sarah:**"Why not? Please? I want a little brother!"

**Ziva: ** "Because it should only be between one man and one woman. Little kids are not allowed."

**Sarah: ** "That's a stupid rule."

**Ziva: ** "Well, it's God's rules. So if you don't like it, take it up with him."

**Sarah: ** "Okay. Then, can I pray with Ralphie across the street?"

**Tony: **"NO!"

**Ziva: ** "NO! You have to be at least 35 years of age to do so!"

**Tony: ** "35? Mine was fifteen, Zi."

**Melanie: ** ***kicks Tony***

**Tony: ** "OW!"

**Sarah: **"Can I please? Please, Mommy?"

**Ziva: ** "No! If you ask me again, prayer will be outlawed until we all die!"

**Tony:** "WHAT? NO, NO, ZIVA PLEASE!"

**Sarah: ** "Aww, Mom..."

**Ziva: **"Let's go home. I need to sleep."

**Tony: ** ***wink*** "So do I..."

THE END :)

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**Well, what do you think?**

**Give me and Melly a little LOVE!**

**Come on guys, review!**

**-Vi**


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